16 weeks, 5 days

My recent thoughts on what it's like to be pregnant (because I didn't know before):

In short, out of control. There's a lot of bliss and happiness, knowing that a miracle happened, that you get to do all that you can to help your baby get the best start, and that your lives will be forever changed. But there's also a lot of emotions, and a lot of knowing I can't do anything about certain things.

From hearing stories in person, through the grapevine, reading on blogs and books, I can tell that while there are some similarities, every woman's experience is different. Knowing that Joey and I only had so much of a role in the timing is kinda crazy. Knowing that while I know of girls who stayed small and girls who carried entirely on the outside of their body, is kinda scary. Even some of the girls I know that started out similar hold different. You have no idea what it'll be like until after it happens. Knowing some of the impacts pregnancy can make on your body is crazy. My manager has thyroid issues just because her body didn't respond the way it could after her first pregnancy. I try not to think about the things that could go wrong, just pray for a healthy pregnancy for both me and the baby, and trust God that he'll give me the strength if anything goes "wrong."

Baby brain is settling in and it's kinda scary to not be able to remember things quite as well. It impacts both home and work. Becoming out of breath doing things that you normally wouldn't notice exertion is kinda scary. The changes like this really make you more insecure. Getting worked up and tearing up over something that normally wouldn't bother me is kinda scary. Being in public and choking back tears is scary. Especially if it's in the first half of the day and I don't look that pregnant. It's crazy how in the morning I actually look kinda normal, and by the end of the day, I'll have a pronounced bump. No amount of holding-my-stomach-in prevents that.

I remember hearing of a few ladies who had rude or careless comments said them, particularly in Walmart and wondering why they weren't able to brush them off when they had so many other supportive people in their lives (Sorry I didn't understand!). I think I get it now - a lot of how you look when you're pregnant or the symptoms you experience are out of your control. Even the comments of "you're still here?" when you're only 6 and 1/2 months pregnant prevent you from feeling accepted or supported. I had no idea that the feeling of not being accepted or supported would be so hard, even with such a supportive husband, great and understanding friends, and loving parents.

Don't me wrong, I'm happy and thrilled and excited and I feel so blessed, but parts are harder than I'd thought.

16 weeks, 2 days (picture)

Happy Friday! I've had a great birthday week :) Made special with meals, my husband, flowers at work, my parents, and of course facebook and texts. Several people have pointed out that this is my last birthday celebrating without kids. I think we enjoyed it (I actually have felt 26 since Joey's birthday), and I look forward to adding more birthdays and special days to our family. I'm feeling more inspired to decorate and make the most of each season. Today is my sister's birthday and my father-in-law's birthday. It's fun to be so close to family - I feel like it makes it more of a celebration. Somewhat related, I have found out that 3 girls at work are also pregnant (although all behind me), and I'm so excited to be able to share the experience.

I'm still wearing my normal clothes (I have a lot of flowy stuff), and I close my pants with a hair band or wear a belly band. I don't get up to pee during the night every night, but I do most. I have less nausea and food aversion, but I do have hip and chest pain every now and then. Other than that, the bump is slowly growing and we're happy :)

15 weeks, 5 days (picture)

The wedding weekend went really well! It was great to see Annie and Paul so happy, to see lots of old friends, to get a pedicure, and to show Joey off a little. There haven't been too many changes. The bump is getting a little bigger (esp. when I'm not wearing work clothes and at night- like the second picture), occasional nausea, less food aversion, some tiredness, but much higher energy, and still some hormones every now and then. I can see some of my veins a little better, but no swelling or linea nigra. A guy from work guessed I was pregnant and asked my manager (hoping he wasn't wrong). He noticed because I don't tuck my shirts in, I walk a little different, and my two hour Friday work day outfit was a little more obvious. It's funny to me that someone noticed. I've been reading awesome things about Baby C's stage, but I don't have any of those fun facts in front of me. It's a fun time!

15 weeks 2 days

Happy Friday! This weekend I'm participating in my friend Annie's wedding (with my altered dress :) ).

15 weeks

I'm so excited we've made it to 15 weeks! We are so blessed. No picture yet (Joey is working days) but we'll get one taken soon. Some random things:

- I got boxes of borrowed maternity clothes from my friend Kara last night! One of the big tubs is actually my manager Jessica's clothes, and I know she has to share some with her sister-in-law's sister. Joey was really patient with me as I started trying some one last night, trying to judge which ones would work best for me. I did poke my belly out a little further to get a better idea.

- I'm still nauseous a every now and then, which is almost harder to deal with when I'm not expecting it. I've started trying to mentally prepare for being nauseous through my 16th week (which is apparently normal) so that it's a little easier. My appetite is fairly normal, not really many cravings - more like the opposite where I can't figure out what sounds good (which then makes me feel really confused, thanks to hormones). I've started drinking flavored tea and it's about the highlight of my work day. 

- While I'm happy most of the time, I get random days of just being sad. (Today is one). Most things make me feel like crying, which I feel bad about for not understanding why, and then I feel more sad. The days typically get better by the afternoon. 

- All the time, I wonder, "How would I explain that to my child?" Things like Disney movies, the shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin, etc. to why I have the job I do, how to be nice to people, how Jesus would act, etc. It actually gets me down about my job. I don't think there's anything wrong with service roles, in fact, I'm glad I'm in one, it teaches me. But I have no passion for this job. My dad's job always confused me. He seemed to alternate between loving it and hating it. While I understand a little more now, I still want to find the job like my mom has. Not the same role, but the same feeling about it. It might be that with some will power, you can feel that way about any job, but I'm inclined to believe there's more to it than just that. I don't want to change things until January, but I'm on the lookout for inspiration. 

 I also think more about the words I'm using, the tone I say things to Joey in, the way I drive, why I impulse buy, etc. because I know that what I do, Baby C will be seeing and hearing and processing/copying. I want to be a good example, a good witness, and a good mom. 

Okay those are some of the things going on this week! Hope to get a picture up soon!

14 weeks, 1 day (picture)

We're second trimester! Baby C is the size of a lemon (we didn't have a yellow marker). Baby C is growing lanugo, a thin, peach-fuzz-like hair, all over to help keep warm :) I'm so excited to maybe start feeling some movement in a few weeks! 

We had a great day off yesterday. It was nice to get a little break and get some hang out time with Joey.

- It seems like my nausea is back for a little bit, and there are times when I'm hungry, but nothing really sounds good. 

- My friend Kara popped by this time with her pregnancies, and as she's kinda my reference point (other than my manager who also got pretty big, pretty quickly), it feels a little strange to be still waiting for a baby bump. 

Along those lines, it wasn't until Bible Study on Tuesday night that I really realized how much I stress about random little things. Will I work after January? If so part time? Somewhere else? If I don't work, how much will that impact our budget? Related, how to remind myself of just the things we need and not get sucked into all the cuteness and accumulating of stuff that I'd ultimately get stressed out about? and etc. What it comes down to is trust. Trust fully in God's love and trustworthiness. His timing is good. His will is good, acceptable and perfect. So, I'm working on that, and letting God work. And what a great time of opportunity. It's a life style I'd love to carry on and bring into parenthood!

13 weeks, 5 days

A couple things:

- I feel like I'm so much more.. intense. It's probably just hormones, but when I want to finish something, there's little that would stop me, when I'm being stubborn, I'm extra stubborn. When I'm confused (bc I can't figure out what I want on the menu), I feel SO confused. When I want to say something, I might talk over someone, or repeat myself until I realize I was heard. And when I'm silly, I'm super silly. It feels... weird. I've told Joey I feel like a teenager. He'll gently remind me that going to bed is more valuable than finishing a suduko puzzle, that it might be a good idea to take a little more to work to eat, etc. and my responses are, in my opinion, kinda gruff. The next day or later that day, I'll realize "wow, Joey was right!" but of course my reaction in the moment is "you're dumb." So, thanks husband for being so sweet still and taking the brunt of the hormones.

- Hunger isn't really normal anymore. It's like there's an inkling, and within 10 minutes, if I don't eat, I get serious pain. Still varies from half-week to half-week how hungry/nauseous I am I guess. (I almost threw up Sunday morning, but largely because I forgot to eat breakfast? and did a workout instead? [sidenote: Summer Sanders workout was so hard. I mean, it's probably good - but it was a mix between aerobicy things and resistance bands and I so feeling it])

- Although it feels "real," I'm excited for August 29th! I feel like we can take real action on planning ahead and not just for the pregnancy. While I'm excited about this process, I'm still so excited for January!

- I've started reading a book called Bloom: a memoir. Kelle is a photographer and there are beautiful pictures throughout it. She had a little girl, then a miscarriage, then another little girl. Nella, the younger, ended up being born with Down Syndrome. I'm not very far into the book yet, but the other is really honest about her initial reaction. We've opted out of the testings, and so it's a very interesting read and seems like it'll be very encouraging to open any situation with open arms. God's in control right?