In short, out of control. There's a lot of bliss and happiness, knowing that a miracle happened, that you get to do all that you can to help your baby get the best start, and that your lives will be forever changed. But there's also a lot of emotions, and a lot of knowing I can't do anything about certain things.
From hearing stories in person, through the grapevine, reading on blogs and books, I can tell that while there are some similarities, every woman's experience is different. Knowing that Joey and I only had so much of a role in the timing is kinda crazy. Knowing that while I know of girls who stayed small and girls who carried entirely on the outside of their body, is kinda scary. Even some of the girls I know that started out similar hold different. You have no idea what it'll be like until after it happens. Knowing some of the impacts pregnancy can make on your body is crazy. My manager has thyroid issues just because her body didn't respond the way it could after her first pregnancy. I try not to think about the things that could go wrong, just pray for a healthy pregnancy for both me and the baby, and trust God that he'll give me the strength if anything goes "wrong."
Baby brain is settling in and it's kinda scary to not be able to remember things quite as well. It impacts both home and work. Becoming out of breath doing things that you normally wouldn't notice exertion is kinda scary. The changes like this really make you more insecure. Getting worked up and tearing up over something that normally wouldn't bother me is kinda scary. Being in public and choking back tears is scary. Especially if it's in the first half of the day and I don't look that pregnant. It's crazy how in the morning I actually look kinda normal, and by the end of the day, I'll have a pronounced bump. No amount of holding-my-stomach-in prevents that.
I remember hearing of a few ladies who had rude or careless comments said them, particularly in Walmart and wondering why they weren't able to brush them off when they had so many other supportive people in their lives (Sorry I didn't understand!). I think I get it now - a lot of how you look when you're pregnant or the symptoms you experience are out of your control. Even the comments of "you're still here?" when you're only 6 and 1/2 months pregnant prevent you from feeling accepted or supported. I had no idea that the feeling of not being accepted or supported would be so hard, even with such a supportive husband, great and understanding friends, and loving parents.
Don't me wrong, I'm happy and thrilled and excited and I feel so blessed, but parts are harder than I'd thought.
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